Impatience

Boy, is that me these days. Impatient.

I'm four weeks into a thirteen week program to improve my physical health. Last week was a total wash, I almost completely gave up last week. And, while it's only Tuesday, I'm trying my hardest not to be derailed by frustration and impatience.

I've begun to believe and subscribe to a very different kind of perspective on health and exercise. I think it's the right one, personally, but it's kind of like the gospel, simple but exhaustive and demanding. And the results aren't terribly visible ones. In fact, what you notice all the time is how far you have to go and a lot of self-consciousness because you are trying to become aware of all sorts of body habits that are problem but second nature so you can change them. Changing your nature, now that's a rough road, right? And I'm so darn impatient about it! I know how to lose a "quick" ten pounds. But I no longer believe that is a safe or healthy way to do it. And yet, I want to do it because I want results. And part of me doesn't even want to do the things I know ARE healthy because then I'll just be faced with my own failure again.

And it occurred to me today that this isn't a problem I can't take to the Lord...this is important enough to Him and me to bring Him in on it. But, then, aren't all our problems? Why are we so slow to ask for help?

I think of my kiddos, 3 years old and 17 months. They get frustrated with something. They cry or stomp or wail or flail their arms. I come in and remind them to, instead of getting frustrated, just communicate their difficulty and OF COURSE I will help them. Doesn't the Lord feel the same way? Because, let's me honest, I've been having the emotional equivalent of a tantrum over here...

My husband sweetly took them with him tonight. I have the house to myself, and I've been waffling a bit with how to spend my time. I think I know now. It's time to pray.

Understanding Grace

Growth and development take time. Learning takes time. When we understand grace, we understand that God is long-suffering, that change is a process, and that repentance is a pattern in our lives. When we understand grace, we understand that the blessings of Christ’s Atonement are continuous and His strength is perfect in our weakness (see 2 C orinthians 12:9). When we understand grace, we can, as it says in the Doctrine and Covenants, “continue in patience until [we]are perfected” (D&C 67:13).
Brad Wilcox, His Grace Is Sufficient, 12 July 2011, BYU Speeches

I have been so impatient and frustrated with myself these days, and all the things I think I need to be doing. I have great abilities to come up with really good ideas and plans, but it feels like I am unable to implement any of them. And then I get ornery and frustrated and I become less and less productive and in the moment with my kids. And then I start to "hide" in various escapes (dang you ABC family for your tempting and ultimately silly teen dramas!). Or maybe I hide first and get frustrated second. Either way, I'm not very patient with myself. Or graceful

The talk above is a new and lasting favorite. It has inspired me and uplifted me repeatedly in the few months since it was given. It's topic is something that I desperately need, GRACE, and something I seem to repeatedly forget. Hence the purpose of this blog. I want to try to find, access, and receive grace daily, or at least enough to write about it twice weekly. Grace HAS to be the answer to this funk of frustration in my life right now. Because, really, I am otherwise quite happy. Or, as happy as I can be while continually failing to meet my own expectations. The Husband and the Mother, of course, say that I expect too much of myself (isn't that the same as saying "you're not all that"?) and it does (kinda) make me feel better. At least they don't see me as a waste of space.

BUT- I WANT to be capable of all these things I schedule out for myself. I want to be in action the kind of person that I know in my head and heart is best. And I guess part of grace if facing that, realizing I'm NOT that person yet, but I CAN be, with Him. Someday. With patience (but grace helps us with patience, too, I think. Pretty, pretty, please!). Because "the task in front of us is never greater than the power behind us." yep, totally putting that up on a wall.