Tonight, my daughters' love secrets (a love secret is where I whisper in their ear a moment I particularly loved about them during that day, it's part of our tucking in routine) were pretty simple, but pretty wonder-filling.
To my three year old: I loved it when you volunteered to cut your cupcake in half to share it with your sister. You are learning to be loving and share so well! That means you are learning to be like Jesus and that makes us both very happy. I love you.
To my 18 month old: I loved it when you cuddled with me during the Christmas movie and even more when you sat by me and held my hand. I love it when you show me you love me. I love you.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
God Doesn't Have Extras
Got this in my Inspired to Action email this morning:
God didn’t create you “just in case someone else didn’t work out.” You are not a backup, understudy or extra.God created you with a purpose. He has a plan for what you have to offer this world and these people He loves so desperately. He wants you to show up.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
I wish I was sick
because then I'd have an excuse.
How do I describe today? Or how am I supposed to feel about it? I'm not sure.
Yesterday, however, was a monster of productivity. Going to bed with aching feet because of all the running I'd been doing is a clear marker of accomplishment. It's like people that exercise to feel sore. Unless I kill myself or my To Do list, there's always a part of me that doesn't really feel like I've made use of my day. It has been practically my nature to base my worth on my productivity, I realized it was a problem just before I became a mother, and motherhood will be the forge to burn all of that out of me. Hopefully.
By the way, I know longer make To Do lists. I have a sheet of paper that I fill out the beginning of the week that has three categories: Priorities, Projects, and Task (yes, the task section is kinda like a to do list, but it had to have a different name). I've only done it three weeks now, and it's actually been pretty helpful. With days like today, for instance, I can look at my priorities list and feel good about some of the choices I made today. I felt impressed on Sunday that in my parenting I focus on being tender and loving with my girls. The girls have had a rougher week than normal, mostly sleep deprivation and sickness. And then Rhys is teething four molars at once and at that terrible two stage of trying to communicate and frustrated with not being able to be understood. So it was a good priority to make, because they haven't been their normal lovable selves.... I had to slow way down to meet all their demands today, it was exhausting but satisfying that I kept most of the frazzle at bay and all the love right at top.
But still, I only have two items on my Task list crossed off and only a few projects checked (meaning "worked on it/made progress") And, it's silly, but it's weighing me down. Part of me is really, truly, OK with the amount of housework I didn't do today. For whatever reason, I was spent today. But, tomorrow will come too early and I'm starting behind. I was already behind. If you get behind enough to eventually get in front of your work? Like a dog chasing it's tail?
All that said, I don't feel very worthy to ask for grace tomorrow to do what needs to be done. I know it doesn't work like that, but still. I will ask for grace, and I promise to write how it was given here tomorrow. But for tonight, I'm going to give a wonder moment:
Rhys has really been developing her sympathy of late. She almost always cries when Jane gets in trouble. And even when I fake cry/throw a fake tantrum to demonstrate to them how silly they look and sound, Emiline's first response is to pat me and say "It's O-Tay, Mommy. O-Tay." Besides being incredibly cute, it also distracts her from whatever she was melting about. I find so much wonder that a 17 month old will forget herself, her own pain or worry or sadness, and try to comfort her mother. I was reading today a book by Linda Eyre, just a few pages, but she mentioned how undervalued motherhood has become. I think we forget how much we mean to them. How, as the mother, I am the center of their world. I'm the sun. or gravity. I matter everything to her. And I need to remember that at the top of my mind, keep it fresh, so I will feel the awesome importance of my job everyday. Or night. She just started wailing...;-)
How do I describe today? Or how am I supposed to feel about it? I'm not sure.
Yesterday, however, was a monster of productivity. Going to bed with aching feet because of all the running I'd been doing is a clear marker of accomplishment. It's like people that exercise to feel sore. Unless I kill myself or my To Do list, there's always a part of me that doesn't really feel like I've made use of my day. It has been practically my nature to base my worth on my productivity, I realized it was a problem just before I became a mother, and motherhood will be the forge to burn all of that out of me. Hopefully.
By the way, I know longer make To Do lists. I have a sheet of paper that I fill out the beginning of the week that has three categories: Priorities, Projects, and Task (yes, the task section is kinda like a to do list, but it had to have a different name). I've only done it three weeks now, and it's actually been pretty helpful. With days like today, for instance, I can look at my priorities list and feel good about some of the choices I made today. I felt impressed on Sunday that in my parenting I focus on being tender and loving with my girls. The girls have had a rougher week than normal, mostly sleep deprivation and sickness. And then Rhys is teething four molars at once and at that terrible two stage of trying to communicate and frustrated with not being able to be understood. So it was a good priority to make, because they haven't been their normal lovable selves.... I had to slow way down to meet all their demands today, it was exhausting but satisfying that I kept most of the frazzle at bay and all the love right at top.
But still, I only have two items on my Task list crossed off and only a few projects checked (meaning "worked on it/made progress") And, it's silly, but it's weighing me down. Part of me is really, truly, OK with the amount of housework I didn't do today. For whatever reason, I was spent today. But, tomorrow will come too early and I'm starting behind. I was already behind. If you get behind enough to eventually get in front of your work? Like a dog chasing it's tail?
All that said, I don't feel very worthy to ask for grace tomorrow to do what needs to be done. I know it doesn't work like that, but still. I will ask for grace, and I promise to write how it was given here tomorrow. But for tonight, I'm going to give a wonder moment:
Rhys has really been developing her sympathy of late. She almost always cries when Jane gets in trouble. And even when I fake cry/throw a fake tantrum to demonstrate to them how silly they look and sound, Emiline's first response is to pat me and say "It's O-Tay, Mommy. O-Tay." Besides being incredibly cute, it also distracts her from whatever she was melting about. I find so much wonder that a 17 month old will forget herself, her own pain or worry or sadness, and try to comfort her mother. I was reading today a book by Linda Eyre, just a few pages, but she mentioned how undervalued motherhood has become. I think we forget how much we mean to them. How, as the mother, I am the center of their world. I'm the sun. or gravity. I matter everything to her. And I need to remember that at the top of my mind, keep it fresh, so I will feel the awesome importance of my job everyday. Or night. She just started wailing...;-)
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
J-A-M and Walking in frozen Alfalfa
My three year old spontaneously informed my husband today of how to spell jam, "J-A-M." She appears to do deep thinking while driving in the car, or she just has a captive audience, but he was taking the girls to the doctor and she just started phonetically playing and out came jam. It is a bit of wonder today that my daughter's brain is that developed and it makes me pause and look at all of the things she has learned and is. She's sweet and kind to her sister, she is very tender with me, she loves silliness and music and laughing and the kitty. She's her own person even as she's my little girl. But I know that will go so quickly, and I want to savor it more and more and just be in the moment with my children.
We've had some cold weather here and even snow yesterday. Cold I don't mind too much, but it's harder to love wind. My children sure don't! But today we had such a peaceful, calm, and warmer day. We went late this afternoon and walked behind the house and cut through an alfalfa field and then jumped into an empty ditch and explored that for a while before climbing back out and cutting across another field for home. It was delightful. My kids think walking in fields is the best thing ever, so much more exciting and stimulating than roads, even gravel ones. The sun set at the end of the walk and we got to experience the firey colors in the sky together. It was a sweet way to spend an hour. And an important one, too. In my efforts to let go of productivity in favor of peace and presence, I need to remember the lessons and feelings of that hour.
We've had some cold weather here and even snow yesterday. Cold I don't mind too much, but it's harder to love wind. My children sure don't! But today we had such a peaceful, calm, and warmer day. We went late this afternoon and walked behind the house and cut through an alfalfa field and then jumped into an empty ditch and explored that for a while before climbing back out and cutting across another field for home. It was delightful. My kids think walking in fields is the best thing ever, so much more exciting and stimulating than roads, even gravel ones. The sun set at the end of the walk and we got to experience the firey colors in the sky together. It was a sweet way to spend an hour. And an important one, too. In my efforts to let go of productivity in favor of peace and presence, I need to remember the lessons and feelings of that hour.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Impatience
Boy, is that me these days. Impatient.
I'm four weeks into a thirteen week program to improve my physical health. Last week was a total wash, I almost completely gave up last week. And, while it's only Tuesday, I'm trying my hardest not to be derailed by frustration and impatience.
I've begun to believe and subscribe to a very different kind of perspective on health and exercise. I think it's the right one, personally, but it's kind of like the gospel, simple but exhaustive and demanding. And the results aren't terribly visible ones. In fact, what you notice all the time is how far you have to go and a lot of self-consciousness because you are trying to become aware of all sorts of body habits that are problem but second nature so you can change them. Changing your nature, now that's a rough road, right? And I'm so darn impatient about it! I know how to lose a "quick" ten pounds. But I no longer believe that is a safe or healthy way to do it. And yet, I want to do it because I want results. And part of me doesn't even want to do the things I know ARE healthy because then I'll just be faced with my own failure again.
And it occurred to me today that this isn't a problem I can't take to the Lord...this is important enough to Him and me to bring Him in on it. But, then, aren't all our problems? Why are we so slow to ask for help?
I think of my kiddos, 3 years old and 17 months. They get frustrated with something. They cry or stomp or wail or flail their arms. I come in and remind them to, instead of getting frustrated, just communicate their difficulty and OF COURSE I will help them. Doesn't the Lord feel the same way? Because, let's me honest, I've been having the emotional equivalent of a tantrum over here...
My husband sweetly took them with him tonight. I have the house to myself, and I've been waffling a bit with how to spend my time. I think I know now. It's time to pray.
I'm four weeks into a thirteen week program to improve my physical health. Last week was a total wash, I almost completely gave up last week. And, while it's only Tuesday, I'm trying my hardest not to be derailed by frustration and impatience.
I've begun to believe and subscribe to a very different kind of perspective on health and exercise. I think it's the right one, personally, but it's kind of like the gospel, simple but exhaustive and demanding. And the results aren't terribly visible ones. In fact, what you notice all the time is how far you have to go and a lot of self-consciousness because you are trying to become aware of all sorts of body habits that are problem but second nature so you can change them. Changing your nature, now that's a rough road, right? And I'm so darn impatient about it! I know how to lose a "quick" ten pounds. But I no longer believe that is a safe or healthy way to do it. And yet, I want to do it because I want results. And part of me doesn't even want to do the things I know ARE healthy because then I'll just be faced with my own failure again.
And it occurred to me today that this isn't a problem I can't take to the Lord...this is important enough to Him and me to bring Him in on it. But, then, aren't all our problems? Why are we so slow to ask for help?
I think of my kiddos, 3 years old and 17 months. They get frustrated with something. They cry or stomp or wail or flail their arms. I come in and remind them to, instead of getting frustrated, just communicate their difficulty and OF COURSE I will help them. Doesn't the Lord feel the same way? Because, let's me honest, I've been having the emotional equivalent of a tantrum over here...
My husband sweetly took them with him tonight. I have the house to myself, and I've been waffling a bit with how to spend my time. I think I know now. It's time to pray.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Understanding Grace
Growth and development take time. Learning takes time. When we understand grace, we understand that God is long-suffering, that change is a process, and that repentance is a pattern in our lives. When we understand grace, we understand that the blessings of Christ’s Atonement are continuous and His strength is perfect in our weakness (see 2 C orinthians 12:9). When we understand grace, we can, as it says in the Doctrine and Covenants, “continue in patience until [we]are perfected” (D&C 67:13).
Brad Wilcox, His Grace Is Sufficient, 12 July 2011, BYU Speeches
I have been so impatient and frustrated with myself these days, and all the things I think I need to be doing. I have great abilities to come up with really good ideas and plans, but it feels like I am unable to implement any of them. And then I get ornery and frustrated and I become less and less productive and in the moment with my kids. And then I start to "hide" in various escapes (dang you ABC family for your tempting and ultimately silly teen dramas!). Or maybe I hide first and get frustrated second. Either way, I'm not very patient with myself. Or graceful
The talk above is a new and lasting favorite. It has inspired me and uplifted me repeatedly in the few months since it was given. It's topic is something that I desperately need, GRACE, and something I seem to repeatedly forget. Hence the purpose of this blog. I want to try to find, access, and receive grace daily, or at least enough to write about it twice weekly. Grace HAS to be the answer to this funk of frustration in my life right now. Because, really, I am otherwise quite happy. Or, as happy as I can be while continually failing to meet my own expectations. The Husband and the Mother, of course, say that I expect too much of myself (isn't that the same as saying "you're not all that"?) and it does (kinda) make me feel better. At least they don't see me as a waste of space.
BUT- I WANT to be capable of all these things I schedule out for myself. I want to be in action the kind of person that I know in my head and heart is best. And I guess part of grace if facing that, realizing I'm NOT that person yet, but I CAN be, with Him. Someday. With patience (but grace helps us with patience, too, I think. Pretty, pretty, please!). Because "the task in front of us is never greater than the power behind us." yep, totally putting that up on a wall.
Brad Wilcox, His Grace Is Sufficient, 12 July 2011, BYU Speeches
I have been so impatient and frustrated with myself these days, and all the things I think I need to be doing. I have great abilities to come up with really good ideas and plans, but it feels like I am unable to implement any of them. And then I get ornery and frustrated and I become less and less productive and in the moment with my kids. And then I start to "hide" in various escapes (dang you ABC family for your tempting and ultimately silly teen dramas!). Or maybe I hide first and get frustrated second. Either way, I'm not very patient with myself. Or graceful
The talk above is a new and lasting favorite. It has inspired me and uplifted me repeatedly in the few months since it was given. It's topic is something that I desperately need, GRACE, and something I seem to repeatedly forget. Hence the purpose of this blog. I want to try to find, access, and receive grace daily, or at least enough to write about it twice weekly. Grace HAS to be the answer to this funk of frustration in my life right now. Because, really, I am otherwise quite happy. Or, as happy as I can be while continually failing to meet my own expectations. The Husband and the Mother, of course, say that I expect too much of myself (isn't that the same as saying "you're not all that"?) and it does (kinda) make me feel better. At least they don't see me as a waste of space.
BUT- I WANT to be capable of all these things I schedule out for myself. I want to be in action the kind of person that I know in my head and heart is best. And I guess part of grace if facing that, realizing I'm NOT that person yet, but I CAN be, with Him. Someday. With patience (but grace helps us with patience, too, I think. Pretty, pretty, please!). Because "the task in front of us is never greater than the power behind us." yep, totally putting that up on a wall.
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